Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
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Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card