*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now