Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
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Not today, today.
Not today.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Sombrero is better than nobrero.