*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?