by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.