Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MrEd_EVH's best tweets

@MrEd_EVH : Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

@MrEd_EVH: Me - how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

@MrEd_EVH: A $300 dollar bat won't fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

@MrEd_EVH: I'm gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

@MrEd_EVH: Boss - can you pass a piss test?

Me - Sure...distance or accuracy?

@MrEd_EVH: Me - I'm not in the mood to work today

My bank account - you better GET in the mood

@MrEd_EVH: Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining because of the cold. I'm whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

@MrEd_EVH: Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@MrEd_EVH: *runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I'm a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

@MrEd_EVH: -gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU'RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?