I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream