I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.