“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Nomnomnomnom
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise