I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.