I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
that lip filler tho
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I don’t make the rules sorry
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
How funny!
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.