@MrMichaelRose

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

@MrMichaelRose

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

@MrMichaelRose

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

@MrMichaelRose

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*