You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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What a kind woman! 😂😂
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”