Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
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My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
what the
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]