The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”