Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
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When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
How did we not see this back then?