[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
You learn something every day
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”