Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…