@Mr_Kapowski
Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?
*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*
@Mr_Kapowski
@Mr_Kapowski
[driving car off a cliff]
Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars
@Mr_Kapowski
If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son
@Mr_Kapowski
Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
@Mr_Kapowski
My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer
@Mr_Kapowski
Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts
Daughter: What’s a newt?
Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?
@Mr_Kapowski
[spooning]
Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”
@Mr_Kapowski
She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge
She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink
Women are so confusing
@Mr_Kapowski
Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.
@Mr_Kapowski
If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.