Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?
*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*
[driving car off a cliff]
Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars
If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son
Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer
Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts
Daughter: What’s a newt?
Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?
Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”
She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge
She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink
Women are so confusing
Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.
If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.