@Mr_Kapowski

Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?

*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*

@Mr_Kapowski

[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars

@Mr_Kapowski

If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts

Daughter: What’s a newt?

Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?

@Mr_Kapowski

[spooning]

Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”

@Mr_Kapowski

She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge

She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink

Women are so confusing

@Mr_Kapowski

Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.

@Mr_Kapowski

If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.