@Mr_Kapowski: Me: *looking through the glass* They’re just beautiful, aren’t they? Which one is yours? That’s mine over there *mouths I love you*

Guy: *also looking at rotisserie chickens in Costco as they spin* Um

@Mr_Kapowski: [driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars

@Mr_Kapowski: I calculated the number of birds required for the 12 Days Of Christmas to give to my true love and a quick check of my bank account confirms that she’s getting one McChicken.

@Mr_Kapowski: If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David's son

@Mr_Kapowski: Employer: We have a companywide 401K.

Me: I don’t think I can run that far.

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?

@Mr_Kapowski: My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said "I always wake up at this time, Daddy" and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: *standing on the edge of a bridge* I have nothing to live for! Don’t come any closer or I’ll jump!

Police: *on bullhorn* What about your cat? We brought him to see you, sending him in now.

*cat slowly pushes me off bridge*

@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: We went hiking where there's newts

Daughter: What's a newt?

Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT'S NEWT WITH YOU?