I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
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Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
synchronized noseblowing
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo