“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
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jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.