I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat