Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over