Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit