ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Dolls on drugs
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.