Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
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My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy