Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My safe word is Worcestershire
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁