One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath