Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant