Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
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I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Real House Wines.
🤣🤣
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
j o i m p