HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….