My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Only Americans understand
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants