Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row