Pulling my pants back up and breaking into a run as I yell over my shoulder at the swarming security guards, “CLEARLY I HAVE BEEN GROSSLY MISINFORMED ABOUT THE PURPOSE OF A CRAPS TABLE”
“Oh, spare me,” I say, pulling another clone out of the cryogenic freezer.
Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.
I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.
Russia has just renewed a longstanding contract with Hollywood to play the bad guys in all international spy thrillers for another 60 years.
*pinching bridge of my nose*
Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.
I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.
[housefly pilot training]
Instructor: You encounter a window! What do you do?
X: Test the same 3 spots for weakness?
I: Repeatedly! Good.
Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.
He hated bratwurst.