I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich