Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?