My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
twitter users today:
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
This is enough internet for the day.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best