[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
You Might Also Like
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors