Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
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It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.