Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.