I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
💁🏻♂️
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.