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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.