Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that