Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates