Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”