@MunkMania

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

@MunkMania

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

@MunkMania

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

@MunkMania

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

@MunkMania

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

@MunkMania

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

@MunkMania

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

@MunkMania

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

@MunkMania

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

@MunkMania

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.