I said we supposed to be saving our money.
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“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
goldfish mafia
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.