landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
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paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
work smarter, not harder
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.