T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
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Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”