*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
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“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Every photo I’m tagged in